My Grief Monster

My monster took me down

not in the dark alleys of despair

Or my nightmares of yesterday

My monster took me down

In broad daylight of a play-structured park

Under the fluorescent lights of costcos diaper

& wipes aisle

Behind the shower curtain of motherhood’s

brief moments of solitude

Within the warm grasp of an extended hand

of a stranger greeting me with

“hi my name is Julia”

Quite arbitrarily, without notice

Blind-siding me, taking me down

beyond my knees of humility,

all the way down to my belly on the earth,

face to the mud

My grief monster took me down

so violently each time

As if my heart was breaking 💔again, 

for the very first time

The rumble&tumble of my private earthquakes

shaking my days path into rubble

The crumble&fumble of my private attacks

disrupting my plans,

Shattering my hopes for healing

Yet In naming it,

I could contain it,

I could tame it,

Befriend it even, 

We have a kind & respectful

agreement now…

Examining the name today

The word that flares up at me

Not in alarming violence

but in sparkly gentleness

is the choice I made years ago

of the word MY

My Grief Monster

A part of me that I could not see,

touch or feel

A part of me that needed to come out

of the dark, needed to be heard,

to be embraced—

The anger over my sweet daughters death

The anger of the most profound disappointment

screaming at the universe

My silent scream of how much I am capable of

LOVING—

that my grieving heart is truly unbreakable