“Bonus”
Bonus” (what a gift)
The word shimmered
Off her lips
As she slipped in the adjective “Bonus”
before the noun “Mom”
The tingling in my ears
Lingered with her word choice
As she continued to share
About her family
Yet I was swimming in
Pool of light made from
the shimmering & tingling
Of her word choice
Here today 24 years,
After the word Bonus
Slithered off my tongue for the first time
Awkwardly, yet purposefully
In an act of defiance!
Born from a place of love
Creating a new patterned
Response to being a stepmom
A claim I made to loving
These children by choice
By saying “I do” to them too
When I Married their father
My commitment encircling my finger
Held them warmly, tightly
even though The world would
Push in coldly the word step
Push me loosely, shamefully away
Step to the side,
step on egg shells
Step behind into the shadows
Step on my heart,
step on tight rope
As if my devotion to their father
Assumed a deviation, a division
Of my love,
as if my love unworthy,
As if my love a suspect—
guilty until proven otherwise
From the fish bowl of co parenting
The swimming in being judged
With every stroke of making lunches
Cleaning up vomit, cheering on the sidelines of soccer field, tending to bandaids, hair brushing, lost jackets
Unwelcome by the world if I do too much, unwelcome by the world if I do too little
I staked my claim to bonus mothering
For my family to survive,
For my family to thrive
Out of love by choice,
Out of love by commitment
Out of love by swimming in the shimmering of my own making
Bonus, bonus, bonus
These children are my gift
My love for them is a gift
Yes I am not their bio mom,
Yet there is no measure
the world can make
on the LOVE in my heart
There is no possibility for me
To be here holding the center
of this family without swimming
in the fullness of love in my heart
No possibility for me to be a step
To step to the side of loving
these bonus children,
My family only formed by choosing love
My family only remains by choosing love
Bio, bonus, living, deceased,
adoption failures & miscarriages
All my children are gifts
from the universe to behold
None of my children
ever belonged to me
yet may they swim in my love always
May I linger here longer
swimming in Pool of light made from
the shimmering & tingling
Of another mamas word choice
Here today 24 years,
After my same word choice—
“Bonus”
What a Gift!